Happy New Year

So, here I am at the beginning of a fresh new year. The possibilities in front of me are wide open, but I am looking at this year with a mix of apprehension and excitement. This past year has been a major roller coaster for me. There have been great highs, and extreme lows. I have been struggling with many things these past few months, most of them centered around the loss of my mom in September.
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer even though she never smoked a day in her life. I watched her wither away and become weak and frail until she finally passed away in her sleep on the morning of September 19th. While the frequency of the pain has diminished for me, the intensity is still the same. I think that even though there is a huge hole from losing my mom, the thing that bothers me the most is how much it hurts my kids. It is so hard to watch them grieve and cry for her, talk about how much they miss her, and how they wish she was still here. I try to comfort them, but it's hard when the pain is still so fresh for me. On top of that, my faith has taken a huge beating because of this. The low point for me was very soon after my mom died, and my seven year old was laying in bed crying about her and sobbed, "But we prayed for her!" How do you explain unanswered prayer to a child when you are having a difficult time coming to grips with it yourself?
I have spent these past 3 1/2 months angry, frustrated, and disillusioned with God and His purpose behind all of this. I have not gone to church since the passing of my mom, and I have rarely even prayed. I felt that it was pointless to pray to a God that was just going to do whatever He chose to do anyway. But yet, I have this longing to draw close with Him again. I miss going to church and I miss having a relationship with God.
So, that is where I am now. I am still angry - and I will be for a while to come. But, I am taking baby steps to rebuild the relationship that I once had. Who knows? Maybe through all of this it will some day be stronger than ever. I don't think I will ever understand why my mom had to be taken away from us, and there is nothing that would justify her suffering. I don't have the blind faith that it was His will, or that He had a purpose in it. I don't find comfort in the fact that she is "in a better place". I don't see how God could use her situation to His glory, and actually find it appalling to think that He would allow her to suffer like that for His own gain. I don't know the reason, I honestly don't even think I care what the reason may or may not be. But I do hope that I can get to place where I can have some peace.
And that is how I am beginning the new year. I am looking to find the good in every day and every situation. I am striving to enjoy my kids more, and to be grateful for all of my blessings. I am hoping to grow and become a better version of myself. I am taking all my pain and confusion and hurt and moving forward. That's all we can ever do. Move forward and take this new year head on. Here is to the new blank slate of 2015.