Happy New Year

So, here I am at the beginning of a fresh new year. The possibilities in front of me are wide open, but I am looking at this year with a mix of apprehension and excitement. This past year has been a major roller coaster for me. There have been great highs, and extreme lows. I have been struggling with many things these past few months, most of them centered around the loss of my mom in September.
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer even though she never smoked a day in her life. I watched her wither away and become weak and frail until she finally passed away in her sleep on the morning of September 19th. While the frequency of the pain has diminished for me, the intensity is still the same. I think that even though there is a huge hole from losing my mom, the thing that bothers me the most is how much it hurts my kids. It is so hard to watch them grieve and cry for her, talk about how much they miss her, and how they wish she was still here. I try to comfort them, but it's hard when the pain is still so fresh for me. On top of that, my faith has taken a huge beating because of this. The low point for me was very soon after my mom died, and my seven year old was laying in bed crying about her and sobbed, "But we prayed for her!" How do you explain unanswered prayer to a child when you are having a difficult time coming to grips with it yourself?
I have spent these past 3 1/2 months angry, frustrated, and disillusioned with God and His purpose behind all of this. I have not gone to church since the passing of my mom, and I have rarely even prayed. I felt that it was pointless to pray to a God that was just going to do whatever He chose to do anyway. But yet, I have this longing to draw close with Him again. I miss going to church and I miss having a relationship with God.
So, that is where I am now. I am still angry - and I will be for a while to come. But, I am taking baby steps to rebuild the relationship that I once had. Who knows? Maybe through all of this it will some day be stronger than ever. I don't think I will ever understand why my mom had to be taken away from us, and there is nothing that would justify her suffering. I don't have the blind faith that it was His will, or that He had a purpose in it. I don't find comfort in the fact that she is "in a better place". I don't see how God could use her situation to His glory, and actually find it appalling to think that He would allow her to suffer like that for His own gain. I don't know the reason, I honestly don't even think I care what the reason may or may not be. But I do hope that I can get to place where I can have some peace.
And that is how I am beginning the new year. I am looking to find the good in every day and every situation. I am striving to enjoy my kids more, and to be grateful for all of my blessings. I am hoping to grow and become a better version of myself. I am taking all my pain and confusion and hurt and moving forward. That's all we can ever do. Move forward and take this new year head on. Here is to the new blank slate of 2015.

Bah, humbug.

It has been a long time since my last post, and I wish I was coming at this one with a better attitude. I am not looking forward to Christmas for the first time in a while. I think the fact that we have been living on just enough money to get by for such a long time now is really wearing me down. I know that I shouldn't complain because we still have it so much better than so many other people, but it is difficult sometimes. I am more concerned about the kids. I want to be able to do things with them and for them to make Christmas special and memorable, but I feel like we don't have the resources to do that.
In the big scheme of things, this one Christmas will not matter much in comparison to all the other Christmases we spend together, but I don't want my kids to be disappointed. I know in  my heart they won't be, I know that I am the only one who really cares. But it is frustrating and I just needed to vent. Ok, rant over now. I at least feel a little better.

Tragedy and Prayers

Today started as a regular day around here - Alfredo and I went to the gym, then came back home in time to get Donovan up and ready for school. I hunkered down to work on some homework, and was unaware of anything out of the ordinary until I got online to check Facebook. Today was the running of the Boston Marathon, and this afternoon, a few hours into the marathon, two bombs exploded near the finish line. As of right now, two people are reported dead (one of which is an 8-yr old boy) and over 100 are wounded. It hurts my  heart to think of the horror the people involved have experienced, and of the heartache that will be felt by many.
Sometimes, when things like this happen I worry about the fate of the world. It is a terrifying thought to know that everything can change in the blink of an eye. The horrible things that happen make me question the wisdom of bringing not just one, but three children into this world. I don't ever want them to experience the pure evil and hatred that can be found in the hearts of others, and the thought that harm could come to them makes my heart hurt.
Then, I think about what would happen if everyone thought that way. What if we all just cowered in a corner, never daring to step outside because something bad might happen. If we hide away, then evil and hatred will win. Instead, it is up to us to continue to fight the forces of evil with goodness and love. No matter how scary life may be, it is up to me to raise children who desire to help others and do what they can to make this world a better place. One of my favorites quotes is "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." It is encouraging to know that for everyone who desires to harm there is someone else who desires to help. As a parent, it is my job to raise children who fall into the latter category. That is a job I don't take lightly and I pray to God everyday that I can do it justice.
As long as there is hope and love there is no way terror and hate can survive. Even though the events of today are heart-wrenching and horrific, it is uplifting to see how we all band together to support those who need it, and search for justice for those who have befallen harm. I pray for the parents of those hurt, and the families of those who lost loved ones today. I hope that God can give them peace in the coming days and I want them all to know that I am doing what I can to make sure that goodness will live on in this world. I want my children to be strong enough to stand up for what is right, cry out against injustice, and lend a hand to those in need. Above all, I hope that we never lose faith in humanity. Because when we lose faith in humanity, we lose faith in ourselves. And sometimes faith is all you have to get you through the dark days and into the light.

Day 365

Well, I made it through my project of year-long thankfulness. It has not been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, and I'm glad I decided to do this. I have found that over the year, I have made more of a conscious effort to appreciate what I have and I know that I have changed because of it. I am more apt to find the positives in things that happen, less likely to let things bother me, and just take life as it comes. I still have a long way to go - I still freak out sometimes and throw my little temper tantrums - but overall I am so much happier than I used to be. I used to wallow in self-pity and bad attitudes, and I am so much happier now.
Granted, nothing is perfect. There are things that I wish were different, but this past year has helped me to put some things into perspective. I am so appreciative and grateful for all the good things in my life, that the negative things don't matter as much any more. I'm proud of myself for making it an entire year.
Thank you to all of you who have read my entries. It's nice to know that I have the support and love of so many other people. I hope that maybe my project can encourage others to do the same. Life may get bad sometimes, but when you take the time to focus on the blessings, you realize that life is an amazing gift and we are all so lucky.
I hope that I can maintain my new-found attitude and continue to be grateful of everything wonderful in my life. I don't ever want to nurse bad attitudes or bad feelings about anything anymore. I want my kids to have an example of gratitude and happiness to look towards. I hope that I can teach them to focus on their blessings when things seem to be falling apart.
Thank you all for your support, and most of all, thank you God for blessing me with my beautiful family, a roof over my head, food to eat, and the ability to better myself to provide my children with a secure and happy life. May this coming year be even more amazing than the last!

Days 363 & 364

Saturday the kids and I went to visit our friend, Sarah. We haven't seen her in a long time so it was really nice to hang out for a little while and visit. She made us french toast, and gave the kids presents. I miss seeing her all the time, and she really cares about all of my little monkeys. It is few and far between to find such a good friend, and I'm so thankful that we got to spend some time with her.
Sunday I decided to just have a nice, lazy day with the kiddos. We stayed home from church, hung out in our pajamas, and had blue-colored pancakes. I love my kids, and while they can be a handful, I know how fast they are growing, and how few opportunities I have to really just hang out with them and do nothing. I'm glad I got the opportunity before school starts up again.

Day 362

Today I was thankful for the couple of hours of peace and quiet I got while the kids were gone. Alfredo's grandma's birthday was today, so Grandma Adela took the kids down to her house for a couple of hours tonight, and I was kid-free for awhile. It was nice and quiet - and a little weird. I got some knitting done, watched TV that wasn't cartoons, folded some laundry, did the dishes, and even ate something without have three kids hanging around and begging for some. And I did it all without once having to yell at anyone or put anyone in time out. It was so nice and over so quickly. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but time alone with no school work or anything else that has to get done is very few and far between. I loved every single minute of it.

Days 358, 359, 360 & 361

Christmas Eve, I was thankful that Alfredo got home from work early enough to not only hang out with us and watch A Christmas Story on TV, but he helped Donovan make his gingerbread house, and helped the kids decorate cookies for Santa. I love our laid back Christmases and even though he had to work earlier in the day, he was able to get home in time to enjoy some of the day with us.
On Christmas, I was thankful that we were able to provide the kids with a good Christmas. I know they're still pretty young, but since we don't always have much money, it's that much nicer when we are able to get the kids things they enjoy. I also loved the fact that we all got to hang out in our pajamas all day, playing games, relaxing, and even playing in the snow that night. The kids did not want to come in, but I was out there for more than enough time. Even Adelin, who just walked around in the snow had to be carried in kicking and hollering. I'm so grateful that the kids had a great Christmas, and I have to say it was a pretty good one for me too!
Yesterday I was thankful that I do not have to work retail any more. It was so wonderful to stay home and spend the day hanging out with the kids, watching TV, working on my knitting, and even making more cookies. I am so glad that I will  never have to work retail again, and every holiday I am reminded how much I hated having to work instead of spending the time at home with my family.
Today I was thankful that Alfredo had the day off, and we were able to go get the boys some new shoes. Both the boys are growing so fast, and right now they just have their Converse for everyday use. The shoes are fine, except that they let their feet get wet in the rain and snow. So, we were able to get shoes for Donovan and Giovanni. I was even happier with the fact that Donovan liked his new shoes so much that he wanted to wear them to bed! I'm glad that we are able to provide our kids with the things they need. Money may be tight, but I know that our kids are taken care of.