So tonight I had orientation for Giovanni's preschool, and as I was leaving the building I was really hit for the first time by the smoke from the fire in Cle Elum. The entire horizon all around me was hazy with smoke, the smell was distinct in air, and you could see it hang in the air as you drove down the street. I started this project the beginning of the year to find one thing every single day to be thankful for. Sometimes, though it is hard for me to think of something - whether it is because nothing stood out, or I had a bad day, or whatever. However, seeing and smelling the smoke tonight and knowing that hundreds of people have lost their homes or their livelihoods because of this fire I wonder, "What the heck is my problem?" Why is it so difficult for me to recognize all my blessings every single day? How come I am so selfish that it takes the suffering of others for me to realize how wonderful my life really is? Sure, we are dead broke - we live paycheck to paycheck and we have no money for any extras - ever. BUT, I have three amazingly beautiful and healthy children who are smart and funny and fill my life with joy and laughter. I also have a wonderful husband who loves me very much and works so incredibly hard every single day to take care of us. My children are surrounded by grandparents and family who love and care for them so very much. I have a roof over my head, heat in the winter, air conditioner in the summer, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive. I am able to go to school to pursue a career that I love, and I have a wonderful part-time job where I get to teach kids to do new things.
The fire that is devestating the area not far from our home is a stark reminder that everything I have could be taken away in an instant. It is a humbling thought. What makes me so special that I still have everything that I do, while others now have nothing but their lives? Why is that not me? Why after all this time is it still so hard for me to relax and trust that God will always provide for me everything I need? When will I finally learn to be satisfied with what I already have and not worry about what tomorrow may - or may not - bring? It is so easy to get caught up in the logistics of living day to day, and forget about the big picture of what really matters. I hope that I can learn to take an honest look at my life and recognize everything that I have. I am so very blessed and I want to be able to find joy in my circumstance and appreciate all that God has entrusted me with. I hope that God will forgive my selfish heart and help me to learn to make the most of what He has already given me.
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